Batman #499 (Sep. '93)

In the Autumn of 1993 I had just started third grade and was beginning to discover comics. It started with a few beat up hardcovers from the Brandon Elementary School library of the first issues of “The Fantastic Four”, “Iron Man”, “The Incredible Hulk” and “The Avengers”, which I checked out every time that I could. I distinctly remember the condition of these hardcovers, they'd been very well used and were very fragile but I was always careful with them because I was mindful that I was just borrowing them for a while. The worn pages couldn't hide the distinctiveness of Jack Kirby's art. I still remember looking in the Avengers hardcover and seeing them pull Steve Rogers into their submarine, his army fatigues shredding away with age to reveal the Captain America uniform underneath. I can remember every single line of the page where Bruce Banner is irradiated by the Gamma Bomb blast. These comics are a part of my very psyche, and I will always have a special place in my heart for them.

But before I'd found comics, I'd found Batman.

My parents let me watch the 1989 “Batman” movie on VHS (cautioning me not to repeat any of the curse words) when I was far too young to see it, much less understand it, and my late Grandfather took me to see “Batman Returns” in the theater during the yearly visit to see my extended family.

This might explain a little bit of why I turned out a tiny bit off kilter...

I knew all about Batman. I knew that he was really wealthy industrialist/playboy Bruce Wayne, that his sidekick, Robin, was Dick Grayson and that Barbara Gordon was Batgirl. I knew all about all of these characters through pop cultural osmosis, and also from watching “Batman: The Animated Series” on Fox Kids.

So imagine my excitement when, one day in a supermarket or a drug store, I saw a real live Batman comic book on the rack! And with such a gripping cover! Why on earth would Batman be attacking a man in a wheelchair?! And why did he have stabby claws on his fingers?

I had to find out.

So begins Batman #499, the very first single issue comic book that I can recall ever buying, and this one splash page in addition to the cover was enough to blow my little eight-year-old mind. Batman is a violent maniac, Robin is terrified of Batman, but if you allow yourself to be taken in too far by Jim Aparo's masterful artwork on this splash, you will lose the big revelation in the caption boxes.

Bruce Wayne isn't Batman anymore, and the guy who he's picked to be his successor is clearly not all there in the head.

After this charming display of what we've come to call the “Jack Bauer Interrogation Technique”, we find out that Bruce Wayne is the man in the wheelchair from the cover. We also find out that covers lie, as Jean Paul doesn't assault Bruce at any point in the issue. Apparently he'd been crippled in a fight by some guy I'd never heard of named “Bane”.

The next two pages are a stark contrast as Bruce examines a blood stain in a luchador mask to determine that the person who had worn it was immunized against malaria. This person had kidnapped a couple of people and Bruce had lost consciousness before memorizing the getaway car's plates, which he also notes were probably stolen to begin with. It's a simple yet effective way to differentiate the two men who have worn the cowl; one is harsh and punishing while the other is calm and analytical. One is brutal and close to sadistic while the other is intelligent and concerned about the welfare of others.

We're then introduced to Bane himself, sans luchador mask. He certainly looks imposing enough, but by this point I'd seen Killer Croc on the cartoon, so I wasn't too impressed when I first read this. I was more scared of Jean Paul, which I guess was supposed to be the point. After all, one of the points of the whole Knightfall/quest/end was to say; “Okay, you people want a Batman who is grim, gritty and takes pleasure in breaking criminals? Fine. Hell, we'll even give him gas propelled Bat-shurikens and a gauntlet mounted flamethrower! Be careful what you wish for.”

Anyway, Bane has figured out that Batman is indeed not back, but has merely been substituted by a pretender. Meanwhile, Tony, from the opening has called to tell Bane that the “unions” are his and he wants his children back. We're never told what “unions”, all we know is that it's mob related.

This comic also introduced me to my all-time favorite character. Not just comic book character, but favorite character period, Tim Drake.

Another revelation for my pop cultural osmosis eight year old mind was the fact that not only was Dick Grayson not Robin anymore, but there had been yet another Robin before Tim! The comics were on their third Robin and I had no idea! Also tucked into these couple of pages is a hint of the reason why this kid was Robin, if not an outright explanation. Robin maintains the balance of the Batman, keeps him from going into the abyss. If not a safety net, Robin is the person that Batman counts on to catch him before he falls, which is incredibly fitting considering the origin of the first character to fill the role.

So there's this character in the book named “Oracle”. And she has red hair. And Batman goes to her to help him narrow down where in the world (is Carmen Sandiego) the strain of malaria from the mask comes from. Who else in the bat-mythos has red hair? Boom! Another headshot!

Jean Paul comes roaring back in the Batmobile, Bruce tells him to stay away from Bane and makes the major mistake of saying “The cave is yours”, which on the next page causes him to spaz out and start drawing.

… **snerk**

“Ah, geez Robin, that guano in the cave really fucks up a man's sinuses! Ahh... ahhhhh... achoooOOOH DHIT, DHAT WAS DY DOCKING DOSE!”

Really? Really?! I know it's kind of silly to call bullshit on this and not anything else in the book so far, but at least everything else in the book so far has been believable. I refuse to believe that this guy can control his Krueger hands with such fine precision that he doesn't ginsu everything he fucking touches! How the fuck is he supposed to grab somebody and yank them out of danger? How the fuck is he supposed to pull someone back onto a ledge? What, is it just the very tip of the fingers that's sharp and pointy? Is that supposed to be the fucking glimmer of reason behind this silliness?

 
How the hell does he keep from slicing the steering wheel into ten pieces?!

Ooh, shit, now we've got TWO TWO-FACES running around Gotham, fuck me!

"Eat sharp painful pain, scum! And your little bird too!"

Once again...


There's also some stuff about Bruce and Alfred going to an island country in South America called "Santa Prisca" in pursuit of the kidnappers who took Tim's dad, and Selina Kyle being a stowaway on Bruce's jet, but really, once you start channeling the DOUBLE KRUEGER, I think we're done talking about it like adults.

This comic book was a revelation, and I honestly believe that even now it could serve as a small primer for the uninitiated with regard to the Bat-books and the Bat-characters. I feel the need to reiterate, I was eight years old when I read this for the first time, and though I was clearly confused I wanted to know more, so I bought subsequent issues whenever I saw them on the racks.

Also, as an aside, this was the ad on the back cover.

 

"Test your might..."